"It's better to be kind..."

Dear Maker, 

I've worked very hard to teach the school kids this lesson. "It's better to be KIND than to be RIGHT!" I've reminded my own kids, and tried to instill in them the importance of this message.  

You teach me again and again how much of a difference being kind makes, but if I only read the bit about being kind, I'm missing a good portion of the lesson.  

I'm totally ignoring the part about not being right.

I struggle with this part. I like to think I'm right. I like to think I'm smart and good and kind and humble. I like to think I have a clue, and have some bit of wisdom to share with the world.  

I'm not.  I don't.  I'm just a lump of clay, fashioned into a human fetus within my mother's womb.  I am a piece of my Mother and a piece of my Father, mixed up together with your Love that became a human being. Without the breath of your Spirit, I am nothing.  You've given that breath, and give it anew every morning. Your love, your Spirit is the only thing that gives me value.  It is the only thing I can take pride in.  None of who I am or what I am is of my own doing.      

You have allowed things to happen to me, and stayed with me while they happened.  You have shaped me and formed me with the things I've seen and the people I've encountered. You've loved me and fashioned me into this person I am today. THAT I can take pride in.  THAT I know I am right about.  

Forgive me for the times I think myself more than I am. Please grant me your love, and bless me with a special heart to listen.  Not a perfect heart. Not a proud heart.  Please give me a heart strong enough to share your love, and simple enough to remember what's really important.   

Love, 

Me 

        

God's Love Song

Beloved, 
I asked Luke, "If I was writing YOU a love letter, what would you want it to say?"  He answered (in classic Swager style) "I love you."

Good idea. 

So, I love you, Lord.
  
And you answer me, with verses from the 4th chapter of the Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon). 
   
How beautiful you are, my friend,
how beautiful you are! 
Your eyes are doves
behind your veil.
And I love you, Lord.  But do you love me? 

Like a scarlet strand, your lips,
and your mouth—lovely!
5 Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle
feeding among the lilies.
7 You are beautiful in every way, my friend,
there is no flaw in you!*

But Lord, sometimes I'm just a hot mess.  But you continue to speak love to me.

9 You have ravished my heart, my sister,* my bride;
you have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes,
with one bead of your necklace.
10 How beautiful is your love,
my sister, my bride

I feel like, even if I give you ALL of my whole self, my love can not be enough. Every cell of my being wants to be enough for you.   

How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfumes than any spice!

I just want to make you happy, Lord!  I want to be with you every minute of every day.  I want to be held in your loving embrace forever.  I am so blessed to be loved by you!    

11 Your lips drip honey,* my bride,
honey and milk are under your tongue;
And the fragrance of your garments
is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

Thank you for loving me, Lord!  
--Me

Words of a Legend!

Beloved Creator,

I heard this song by John Legend, and it makes me think of you. Sometimes I feel just like

My head's underwater, But I'm breathing fine. 
 You're crazy and I'm out of my mind.

Not that I'm saying you're crazy, but from a human standpoint, the fact that you love me into existence every single day when I am a weak, frail, sinful, human is mind-boggling.  The fact that you love me like you do is just overwhelming.  And when he gets to the chorus, I believe he sings your words:

'Cause all of me 
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning (because on your own, you neither begin OR end!)
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

You gave me all of you on the cross.  You give me all that I need every single day.  You made all of my curves, and I sharpen my edges with cruelty and anger.  You smooth them out again with your soft caresses of love.  You fill me with wonder and awe.  You show yourself in each and every love song, and fill my heart with so much love that it can't even beat properly.  You allow my eyes to see the beauty in the people you surround me with until my love for them overflows in tears.  Then I get my red blotchy cry-face, but even that doesn't bother you.

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too

And sometimes the tears come because the pain or sadness I see in my loved ones is just too much.  I see unfulfilled dreams, and broken promises.  I see hope die a little and hearts break. I watch people grieve for friends they loved, and for children that didn't get to be born.  I see them ache for the babies they are not yet expecting, but that are so loved and wanted and hoped for. Even though every choice is yours to make, I still don't understand.  And when I ask you why, you answer with John Legend's words again.

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
Give me all of you, 

I'm trying to give you all of me, Lord.  I gladly give you my very best bits!  I'll even give you
my blotchy face, my sketchy trust issues, my crazy heart, my weird sense of humor, my crooked face, and all the messy parts I'd rather not share.  I'll give it all to you, because you are MY end and MY beginning, and anything I lose to be with you, I win so much more.  I'll give you ALL of me for even a tiny little loving shining part of you!

Thank you for loving me!

-Me

Grenade (Fault in Our Stars)

Dear God,

I'm watching a movie called "The Fault in Our Stars" about some teens dealing with cancer.  It really has some touching things to say, but I've been most captivated by the  "grenade"concept.  The young lady is worried about her male suitor getting too close to her, and being destroyed when she dies.  She tries to hold him at arm's length to protect him from the fallout left when she dies.

I get that.


I know you can relate, Lord.  You, yourself prayed in the garden, with your friends nearby, asking that the cup could pass, if it be God's Will.   

Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death.^* Remain here and keep watch with me.” He advanced a little and fell prostrate in prayer, saying, “My Father,^* if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will.” When he returned to his disciples he found them asleep. He said to Peter, “So you could not keep watch with me for one hour? (Matt, 26)

Of the entire history of ever, YOU would understand the grenade concept.  You knew how the world would change at your death.  You knew how radically different the world would be because of your death and resurrection.  You knew how it would hurt those around you.  Your best friends would be killed because they love you. Even knowing how it would hurt, you still allowed me to be close to you, and for that I am grateful.  

You used this movie to remind me of something very important:




Thank you for reminding me that I can't shield my people from the pain of losing me.  If I try to protect them, I'm actually denying them time with me.  Time that's crucial and irreplaceable.

I love you so much,  Jesus!  You are the original grenade, and I wouldn't change one thing.

Love,

Me

Being Probed and Monitored

My sweet Lord, 

Tonight's love letter mostly comes from Psalm 139.  David sang it first. It says exactly what I want to say to you tonight.  As you know, I got a new heart monitor today.  

 1 LORD, you have probed me, you know me: you know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. You sift through my travels and my rest;  with all my ways you are familiar.

It's purpose is to pick up the arrhythmia events that my pacemaker doesn't catch, to see how well my heart is really working.  It picked up 13 problem areas in the first three hours.  I knew I was having an "off" heart day, but I'm afraid that it's worse than I am prepared to admit.  Now, here I am, looking for the words to tell you how I feel...

4 Even before a word is on my tongue, LORD, you know it all.

I'm scared, Lord, but you already knew that.  I know I shouldn't be, though, because...

5 Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, far too lofty for me to reach.

I know I don't really need to worry, because you have this handled.  

13 You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you, because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are your works!
We both know I'll worry a bit anyway. 
My very self you know.
The hard thing is that you already know the plan, while I'm still in the dark.  
15 My bones are not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw me unformed;

You already know how I live, and how my story will end. 

in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be.

So, Lord, please use this monitor to communicate with me.  Tell me what you want me to know.

23 Probe me, God, know my heart; try me, know my thoughts.

Help me to keep my eyes and my trust in you alone.  

24 See if there is a wicked path in me; lead me along an ancient path.

If I am on a wicked path, move me.  Lead me, ever and always, on the path that leads to you! 

Love,

Me 

Why can't my husband be more like you?

Oh Lord,

Some days I just ask myself this question.  "Why can't my husband be more like you?"

I mean really, you love me perfectly.  You know what I'm thinking.  I mean, you know what I'm REALLY thinking.  You know what I like, as opposed to what I tolerate. You just automatically know what I want for my birthday.  I don't have to tell you things. You get me.  Sometimes I wish he could do that.  Sometimes I wonder if he's from another planet.

 In all fairness to Luke, he was NOT there when I was knitted together in my mother's womb.  He didn't choose my eye color or hair color.  He didn't choose my freckles or dimples, or the size of my... personality.  He did choose to be married to me, however.  He did choose to date me and marry me and breed with me, so if our kids are weird, it's not like he didn't know what I brought to the genetic party.  He just didn't know me like YOU know me, Lord.  He can't.  He's not God.
 

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and all, but he DOES drive me nuts.  Frequently on purpose. And it is my understanding that it's MY JOB to help get this guy into Heaven.  Yikes. It's ACTUALLY easier to love you than it is my dear sweet wacky husband!  You came with a manual (the Bible) and a "top ten list of pet peeves and intolerables". Luke came with a completely different family dynamic, and a whole different language which includes phrases like "reverend" and "tolitsises." (I am still unclear of the meaning on that one.) He tends to say things backwards, like, "You really liked shoveling the driveway." Which means "Are you going to shovel the driveway?"  Or (speaking to the kids) "Your Mom's thinking of taking a nap."  Which, if one looks around, is preposterous, since Mom's up to her facial cheeks in whatever 5 things she's trying to accomplish simultaneously. After 19 years of marriage there are still so many things I don't understand.

For example, if I live a hundred years, I might not understand why either of you love me like you do.  I mean, CLEARLY my exquisite good looks are a big attraction, but seriously.  You both know so many of my flaws, and choose to love me anyway. I've failed you both time and again, and you stay.  You both love me through my cranky days, and through my happy days.  You love me when I'm soaring with joy and happiness, and full of feelings of success.   You loved me when I couldn't find an ounce of happiness, and when I found things so bleak I was incapable of loving back. He sat by my side when I couldn't remember my thoughts from one minute to the next, and would have stayed by my side, even if I'd never gotten my memory back. You both watched me die, and helped me live again.

It takes both of you to love me like that.

Thankfully, when we married, we were all three in on that commitment. As much as you and I love each other, I know you have that with him too.  I know he talks to you, and you love him better than I ever could.  You chose his blue eyes, and his rapid growing facial hair.  You chose his great big heart, and his sense of humor that makes me want to punch him in the face sometimes.  You love him so much, and I do too.

I'm so glad you love us both.  Help me get him to Heaven.  Help him get me there, too.

Love,

Me.  


..  

A small attempt at poetry

In the quiet all alone
I have no pulse,
no breath.

In the quiet all alone
on the verge
of death.

In the quiet all alone
Your love
begins to seep.

In the quiet all alone
I have no tears
to weep.

In the quiet.

Love lives.



And my heart remembers.

My birthday just happened....

Dear Lord,

You know it was just my birthday.  You were there when I was knitted together in my mother's womb.  You picked out my crooked smile, and my hazel eyes.  You knew I'd need  a good sense of humor (thanks for that, by the way).  You also knew that one day I'd have a lineage.  I didn't know that way back when I was born.

I thought I might be a religious sister.  I thought it might be easier to live my life for you ONLY and not take a husband and have children.  I still believe it may have been easier, but it wasn't what was in store for me.  I have a husband.  I have wonderful children.  I have grandchildren.  One day, their children will ask about me as part of their history.  I am one link in a long chain of people who are related and connected to each other in love and genetics.

So here I am.  Forty-eight years old, seven kids, two grand kids, two daughters-in-law, a day job I love, and responsibilities I enjoy.  I have tasks to accomplish and people to see, and my birthday just kind of slid up and said hello!  It's been a very surreal day, that started with the kids doing chores with a minimum of resistance, and ended with a bald guy with no front teeth (in a bright yellow tank top) doing the splits at Nob Hill while Someone's Friends (the band) played in the background.

Yep.  Weird, huh?

So, anyways, thanks Lord, for another birthday. I'm sorry for feeling a little off about this year.  I'm thankful for all the birthdays, and I know each day brings me one day closer to our eternity together. I always feel disappointed when I think something is supposed to be all about me. I'm much happier making other people happy, and when it's all about YOU.    

Tomorrow is YOUR day.  Now THAT's something to celebrate!

Much Love!    

...About the Jerk at the Ball Game

Hello my love,

I love you so much, and I want to make you happy.  I want to be so close to you, and surround myself with your life.  I'm just having a difficult time with...your family.

I know you love all the members of your family, as well you should.  Sometimes I just really REALLY struggle to be nice to some of your other people. When you look at me, I know you see the potential I have to be the very best version of myself.  That's just who you are. That's how you love.    And when you look at them, you see the best version of them as well. I just don't always have the gift of your vision.

Sometimes I just see an obnoxious big-mouthed jerk yelling at referees and high school students at a basketball game.  I just want to scream in his face, not meet him with love.  Surely, he could be kind, or use that big mouth and intensity to praise your name and spread your word, but he doesn't.  He offers to fight the other parents and it makes me angry! Wrongly, perhaps, but you have to admit, it makes him hard to like.

Sometimes I see parents letting their kids wear makeup WAY too young, or treating their kids like an intrusion into their lives, and it makes me so upset!  Or when people treat me like I have no value whatsoever, and speak to me like I'm an idiot.  Ooh!  That really lights my fuse!  I know I'm supposed to love them, because YOU love them, and YOU care about them, but sometimes it's so hard!  Like the original bad boy, Cain...

 ...The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering,but o Cain ad his offering he did not look with favor.  So Cain was angry and dejected. Then the Lord said to Cain: Why are you angry? Why are you dejected?  If you act rightly you will be accepted;but if not, sin lies in wait at the door: its urge is for you, yet you can rule over it. (Genesis 4:4-7)

So, maybe I need to step back a minute, and think this through.  Maybe they'd be incensed if they knew how I felt about them. Maybe they hate what they see in me. Perhaps when I'm angry and dejected I need to remember what you said to Cain.  "if you act rightly you will be accepted."  I CAN CHOOSE if I let sin rule over me as it lies in wait at the door, hoping to devour me.

Spoiler alert:  CAIN CHOSE POORLY.

Lord, help me choose better than Cain.  Help me to NOT slay my brother with my ugly words, and hateful thoughts.  Help me to be my brother's keeper enough to pray for him, and lift him up to you, before he gets beat up at a basketball game.  Help me to hold your family up in prayer, and compassion, and not in disapproval and judgement.  When I do that, I'm NOT acting rightly, and you don't find that acceptable.

Help me to love you enough to see them as our family, not just yours.  Help me to see them as a part of us.  Help me to love better!

Love,

Me



 

Wakey Wakey!

My love,

I opened my eyes this morning, and you were there, smiling at me, watching me sleep.  You were waiting for me to awaken so you could start my day with a loving embrace. I cuddle down deep into the warm covers, and pull my comforter around my shoulders, and surround myself with you. You ARE my Comforter.  You ARE my warmth. You are my LOVE!

I lay there, wrapped in your warm, loving, goodness and enjoy your company.  I love the "us" of us.  We don't need words as our souls smile at each other and recognize each other.  You are with me and in me and for me. You hold my heart in your hands and order every beat of it. (Even the messy ones!)

I hold you so close, and bury myself in my blankets. It becomes a womb in which I grow.  We communicate with no words.  With your love and guidance I develop into a better, new version of myself. In your eyes, I am someone good and kind and lovable, and I want to be THAT me.

If I could, I would pull myself into your heart and live there, surrounded by your love, feeling your pulse, warmed by your very own body.  I understand why you came in the flesh.  I needed to see you like this, so I could love you like this.

And I DO love you so.

And I should get up and get ready for work......

Please stay with me.

Sincerely,      

Your beloved.

How to Start?

How do I write a love letter to God?

It seemed like a good idea, but now that I'm trying to write it, I don't really know how to start.  I mean, do I go formal, like, "Dear God, how are you?  I'm doing well.  And I love you!"  Wow.  Bad.  I could try to be all casual, like this:  "Hey God, Wassup?  Just me, Amy."  I'm not that cool.  Sheesh!

It's kind of like trying to pray for the first time, or the first time in a long time.  It's just tough to start, and then before you know it, it's easy again.  Just two old friends talking. Remembering the good times, and the not so good times.

Remember those moments, Lord?

Do you remember the times you were alone and friendless? Do you remember being battered and broken and literally left hanging, waiting to die...alone?  I wasn't there for you. I denied you, and walked away when you needed me most. I was too ignorant to see how it may as well have been ME that drove those nails into your precious damaged body.  

I WAS SO WRONG!!!  My love wasn't enough to save you. But your love is a different story.

YOUR love is the only thing strong enough to save me.  YOUR love broke through when I was alone and friendless.  YOUR love pulled me through when I was battered and broken and left hanging...waiting to die...alone.  You were always there.  Always.  You took my hand, and took my place. You stood in the gap between me and the deep dark emptiness, and loved me.  You REALLY love me.

This fact astounds me, and amazes me, and makes me love you all the more. It makes me all the more sorry and all the more grateful.   It makes me want to love you better, and share that love with the World.

But first I want to share it with you, Lord.

Sincerely,
Your beloved.

       

The Love Letter Begins

 Remember the kind of love letter you wrote as a child?  It was all so simple.  You love me or you don't.  Check one.

This year for Lent, I want to explore this love letter.  How would God respond if I sent him this letter?  What is my response if God wrote it to me? How do I answer his letter, and how does he answer mine?  I'm open and excited to share the love he shows me.

Maybe you could write your letter to him as well. Let me know what he says, although I already know which box he'll check!