I keep thinking about this weird idea of great gifts in ugly packages. See? I told you it’s a little weird, but hang with me. I remember one year for Isaac’s birthday, Aunt Anne and Claudia gave him this used cigarette package with tissue taped on it. It was a bit odd, but when he took the tissue off, it contained a beautiful butterfly that they had found. What an amazing gift! It was so beautiful, but it came in an ugly package, no question.
I have received lots of these kinds of “gifts” from my maker, and I don’t think I’ve been properly grateful. An unhappy marriage is a pretty ugly package, but it contained some wonderful gifts. Jordan and Spencer top the list at #1, and they are a gift better than I could have ever hoped for. I also learned a lot, and that’s where the gifts come in.
I learned that weakness is really the opportunity to become strong. Thank you God, for the gift of weakness! I learned that I am way stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I also learned that no one can make you feel worthless unless you allow them. Thank you, God for letting me question my worth. You gave me the chance to love myself. You allowed me time to flounder around awhile and be lost, so I could appreciate being "found". You gave me Luke to help see myself through your eyes, worthy of love and kindness and respect. Thank you for the gift of love, and living what “marriage” is meant to be.
I have the gift of being able to feel the highest highs. There are times my soul flies with the happiness of the angels. I feel like I could reach out and touch Heaven. Those are the times my happiness oozes out of every pore! But that kind of bliss comes at a price. What goes up, sometimes comes down, and I have felt the depths of utter desolation. There were days when I felt I was staring into the abyss and could find no love, no peace, no purpose. I have been blessed with the gift of a heavy pendulum. Sometimes it swings really hard one way or the other. Some people refer to this as “bipolar tendencies.” I prefer the word “intensity”. I wouldn’t trade this gift for the world. Thank you, God, for giving me a foretaste of both Heaven and Hell while I'm still on this Earth. Thank you for the lows and highs, and the very long periods of “normal” in between. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” I know you are always with me. Preparing my true gift. Preparing the up-side. Adjusting my vision to see the blessing I can’t see yet.
I think the biggest, ugliest package God has given me is the great big box of FEAR!!! Fear of the unknown, fear of the known, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, fear of dying, fear of living, fear of people not liking me, not understanding me, rejecting me! Crikey, woman, will you give it a rest with the FEARS already! But all of these fears are an opportunity to be courageous. You can’t be brave if nothing scares you. I think I’m becoming a brave woman. I think God is using this blog experiment as a good opportunity to bravely say things I wouldn’t otherwise have the courage to say. I feel like I’m allowing everyone to read my diary, and it’s terrifying and cleansing and liberating.
Thank you, God, for the ugly packages. Being dead and trying to recover from it wasn’t a walk in the sunshine, but I learned and grew so much, it really WAS a blessing! Who would have chosen that? What ugly package did you get? Cancer? Pain? Sadness? Loneliness? What was really in it? An opportunity to find Grace? A closeness to those around you that really matter? A new life?
I pray that God gives everyone reading this the gift of finding something beautiful in their ugly package. Blessings!
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