***Sigh***

I don't feel well today.  I dropped the kids off at school and came home and laid on the couch.  I slept until 1:15.  I hate feeling off.  You notice I didn't say "sick".  I don't feel "sick", I just don't feel "well".  Let me explain.  When you have the stomach flu, you feel nauseous and may have diarrhea, or some other lovely symptom that jumps right to the forefront and yells, "Hey, it's me!  Your stomach is sick!"  Same with the flu or a bad head cold. 

My heart has its own tricks.  Sometimes I wake up and I'm skipping about every third beat.  Then it will be fine for a while, then it just gets weird.  Beat...beat...beat...beat...beat...  That's what you all do, not me! 

Beat..beat..beat.......beatbeatbeat............beat...beat....beatbeatbeat....beat.......beatbeat................beat.  I am a drummer's nightmare! Every time there is a pause, I get a little jolt of adrenaline that doesn't want to go away.  So sleep isn't usually an option.  Today I was just exhausted.  My heartbeats were off yesterday, and it is exhausting, even when I'm not doing much.  (Which is all relative, since I worked the whole day, and hosted a bunco for eight. Hmmm, that's practically eating bonbons!) 

So I tried the new medicine I got from the U of M doctor.  Wew!  Another beta blocker!  Consider my betas BLOCKED!!  Some people pay a lot of money for this feeling, but I don't like being stoned.  I like to be coherent.  The good news is that this one only lasts 3-4 hours, so I'm actually starting to come down, and I'm getting a headache.  Beta blocker hangover.

So if you follow my blog, I'm sure you're thinking HA!  Just let her find God in THIS one! Well, He's still there.  I've always been too busy, and He keeps saying "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

So after I divorced Tom, and I was lost in my independence, and drinking this and dancing there, and not at all acting like myself, He said it then, too.  "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD."

And when I miscarried and I felt so abandoned and unloved and hopeless, I heard him call out,"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM."

Then when I had all these kids and I was faced with the possibility of having cancer (which I do NOT, praise God!), I heard him say to me,"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I."

When I started feeling his love and compassion, and was able to say ,"I think God loves me."  I heard him say,"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT"

I taught with Fred Janofski, a very learned man, and felt inferior to him in every way, until God showed me that how I know Him might be different than what others have learned.  And he called out,"BE STILL AND KNOW."

When I was railing against the darkness and my own sadness, and felt like I was being attacked at every turn.  When my own body seemed to fight against me, trying to take my life away from me, and I fought inside, screaming out in pain inside my own head, He whispered, "BE STILL."  And just like the time Jesus said the same thing to the stormy waves that threatened the safety of his friends, my storm stopped, and the sea was calm. On days like this, I feel the clouds gather, but I remember those words.

"BE STILL".  While my body lay on the salon floor with Colleen and Cheryl and Mom desperately trying not to lose me, I wasn't aware of any of it.  I was in a warm loving place.  It was very beige, and I couldn't see anything (but beige) and it felt just like that warm loving feeling you feel when you are holding a baby you love.  The baby is warm and fed and falling asleep in your arms, and they smell like love, and they ooze love, and you feel the wonderfulness that is this little person.  It felt just like that!  Except I was the baby.  That's what it was like.  "BE STILL."  It doesn't get stiller than that.  No breathing. Just Love. 

Now He Just wants me to BE. 

Some days, that's enough.