Do you believe in FORGIVENESS?

 

In the Apostles Creed, we say we believe in forgiveness, but do you? Really? You’ve read all the Bible stories about Jesus forgiving people for amazingly bad stuff.  The woman at the well, the guy lowered through the ceiling on a mat by his buddies, the thief being crucified with him, shoot, he even forgave the ones ACTIVELY killing him. We have been told, and believe, that God forgives repentant sinners.  We have learned how to confess our sins and receive absolution from the priest in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, but the question remains: do YOU believe in forgiveness? 

Let me clarify. One time when we were praying the Apostles Creed, I botched that word “FORGIVENESS” so that it came out as “FORGIVEN-NESS” and that hit my heart in a whole different way.  I had to ask myself, “Do I believe I am forgiven?”

To be honest, I wrestled with that.  “God CAN forgive you, but does he CHOOSE to?” and “If you’re forgiven, why do you keep doing that same thing?”

I had a good deal of contemplating to do.  God is love itself.  One definition of Love that I like is “to want, will, and work for the good of the other”.  God LOVES me.  He actively wants my good, wills my good, and works FOR MY GOOD, even when I’m actively working against him. Of course he wants to forgive me.  Once I recognize that I am working against his will (which is ultimate goodness for me) I am TRULY sorry! So, I trust that YES, he chooses to forgive me. The next question was answered in prayer. Why do I keep making the same crappy choice over and over and over? For this answer, I look to every human child, and realize I’m still the same as I was when I was five. I keep doing the same thing because I’m a human with a short attention span that’s attracted to pleasure, even to my own detriment.  As a human, I’m a self-centered being that doesn’t always choose the right things or the good things. I recognize that have inherited a distorted view of what is most important, and it takes a lifetime of practice, learning, and discipline to remove the distractions of pleasure to see the very real source of enjoyment.

I do believe in forgiven-ness.

As mentioned previously, Jesus forgave all kinds of people for sins we’ll never even know. Jesus forgave Peter for denying him. The guy in front of me at Confession is forgiven.  I watched him come out with that look of relief on his face and kneel down to enjoy a conversation with God, now that they’re reconciled. But then there’s me. The struggle to feel worthy is real. I know he can. I know he does. I know he will. In my lowest moments, I’m not sure he should waste his love and attention on me. Did the woman caught in adultery feel that way?  She was seconds away from a certain stony death that we can assume she brought upon herself. Same, sister. I chose my sins. Then he forgave her and asked her to go forth and sin no more.  I hope she did. He asks me that too, and I strive to do my best. That’s when I remember the truth of it all. 

The Creator of everything, of every good and beautiful thing, wants ME close to him. He wants a relationship with ME. He wants, wills, and works for my growth and goodness.  He fills my life with beauty and love and holds my bowed head up to see it. His love isn’t finite or wasted. He freely spends his love and mercy on me. I AM FORGIVEN. 

That’s a big truth.  When you believe it, live it.   

 

 

Guess Who's HOME!?!

Sweet Jesus,

The anticipation of your return has been so very palpable all day!  I've barely been able to concentrate because I've so been looking forward to this evening's celebration of Easter!

It reminds me of waiting for Spencer to return from Afghanistan.  I didn't write to him every day (or nearly enough) but I thought of him constantly.  I saw reminders of him everywhere.  I hugged strangers in uniform because I missed him so much.  (As it turns out, soldiers don't really mind this, as they are usually far from their own mothers also.)

It's also like the anticipation I shared with Misty and the kids waiting for Jordan to return from Korea. We counted down the days, then hours, then minutes.

We watched airplanes touch down, and we knew the wait was over, and we'd soon be holding our loved ones in our arms.  We shared this anticipation with groups of others waiting for the same thing!  A return that was triumphant!  It's the same thing waiting for Easter.

My beloved Jesus, you were gone.  The depth and reality of that was only really known to your mother and your best friends, the apostles. Even though you told them over and over what would happen, it was so radical, they didn't understand. I have only ever lived with the knowledge of you as a Risen Lord. Crucified, yes, but I already knew what comes next.  When I think of the desolation they must have felt it's overwhelming! Then you did the most amazing thing.

You returned.

And tonight, the whole world rejoiced with me! We sang the best songs!  We lit the most candles!   Mary's beloved son came back from a war zone! (Kinda like Spencer!) The scary part had passed!
You returned from a foreign place where you made a HUGE impact to return to the ones who love you the most and count you as one of their family (Kinda like Jordan, except you were in Hell, and Jordan had music, buddies and bulgogi). Still!  There was much rejoicing!!!

You returned to me!  My heart sings!  

Lent was a time to prepare, and tonight you came home!  We sang songs of praise, which we will continue as we celebrate all day Sunday, and on for the next 8 days.  (We Catholics know how to celebrate!)  I just want to shout ALLELUIA from the rooftops!  

This will be my last love letter this Lent.  Although really, I hope that I can love you in a way that makes every day of my life a love letter to you.  I hope my actions and my words, my intentions and interactions with others speak volumes of our love. Writing to you every night has made me want to include you more perfectly into all that I do.  Let me be one with you, so that what you do, I also do.  What you want, I also want.  Who you love, I also love.

Thank you for coming back. (Insert me grinning like an idiot! A really happy love-idiot!)

Love Forever,

Me.  

Easter Vigil

Dear sweet, beloved Lord,

We have arrived.  It is the day that we remember your ultimate sacrifice.  It is the day when we remember your horrible, bloody death. This would be completely devastating if it was the end of the story.  It isn't, because you came back.

You could have just said, "I'm out" at any point, and returned to Heaven and let us be on our own.  Hopeless.  But you didn't.

You came back for me.  You came back for my kids and my friends.  You came back for people who haven't even acknowledged you yet, but you know what their story WILL be.  You came back because you know I can't save myself, and I'm hopeless without you.  You came back because you love me.  You came back to open the door to Heaven for all of us who want to be counted among your friends.  The fact that you loved me enough to continue through the entire crucifixion, KNOWING what was going to happen brings me to tears.  Every. Single. Time.

Tomorrow night will be the finale of the three days.  It is easily my favorite celebration of the year.  (Celebrating Christmas Eve at the Vatican would be the only thing that might top it.) New Christians will be born in the waters of baptism. Brothers and sisters in Christ will taste your body and blood for the first time!

We will celebrate your TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!!      

YeeeeHawwwww!!!

Thank you for loving me so much! I'm excited to go and bask in your loving mercy!!

Love,

Me

The Phantom and the Triduum

Dear Jesus,

Today is the beginning of the Triduum (or Three Days) as you well know.  It's the time when the Easter Celebration begins with the remembrance of your Last Supper, and your agony in the garden of Gethsemane.  Father Chris will wash the feet of some of the young men in our parish, just as Pope Francis will continue his tradition of washing the feet of some of the young people in a Juvenile Detention facility in Rome.  You washed the feet of your own followers.  This is an amazing show of love to me.  You know how I feel about feet.

Today was also the first time I've seen the musical "The Phantom of the Opera".  I have to admit, it took a while for me to get into it.  I didn't know the story ahead of time.  I didn't know the characters or the setting (except I was pretty sure there was a Phantom, and it took place at an Opera.)  I suspect a lot of people go into Easter the same way.

At the Wharton Center, I was surrounded by people who had intimate knowledge of the story and the characters.  They looked forward to seeing THIS recreation of the story they know and love so well.  How will THIS actress represent Christine?  How well will THIS actor sing the part of Raoul? Will this Phantom be able to bring Andrew Lloyd Weber's hoped-for emotions to life?

It really IS just like the Triduum Celebration, except I know this story intimately!  I'm surrounded by others who know the story and love the characters, but it's so much more.  We all look to see if THIS Triduum will represent you properly.  Who will sing the litany of the Saints?  Who will read the parts of your passion story?  Will this presentation of the Gospel story bring about our Heavenly Father's hoped-for message?  I know it will!

There was a moment in the play that, despite being unfamiliar with the story really touched me. It's towards the end, and the Phantom has revealed that he loves Christine, even if it's a twisted, self-centered type of love.  She looks at this "hideous monster" (that has taught her to love the beauty of song, and how to sing better than she'd ever hoped) and asks God to help her let him know he is NOT UNLOVED.  She kisses him, and hugs him, and he changes.  Now he knows.

It's so completely YOU!   We are the monsters.  Self-seeking and ugly, we long to love you by possessing you.  We are greedy and want you to do what we wish for you, not what's best for you.  Even when we have moments of beauty, we forget that we are NOT UNLOVED.

Thank you for the Phantom.  Thank you for the Triduum, Thank you for kissing me and hugging me and making me KNOW that I am NOT UNLOVED.

I am changed, and this is just the beginning.

Love,

Me    

  

Spring Cleaning

Thank you Thank you Thank you Dear Lord,

Thank you for this beautiful day!  I wore short sleeves!  I wore shorts!  It was WARM!!! So I thought I would clean out my gardens for a little spring cleaning.

I started with the basil patch.  Well, it used to be a basil patch.  At the moment it looks like a rectangle of dirt surrounded by concrete with dried out twigs sticking out.  As I pulled out the old stems, I could smell a hint of basil, reminding me of the lively stalks of leaves that once grew from these roots.  They flavored our food, and scented our comings and goings, as the patch is right outside our front door.  What a great memory.  The basil is dead now, and is being removed for a fresh new batch of plants.  I have the soil all cleared of what "used to be" and prepared for "what is coming next". Lent is the time I need to do the same with my soul.

Then I started removing the dried flowers from last year.  To be honest, they're quite beautiful the way they are.  They are dainty, brown and so dry that the blooms burst into an explosion of seeds when I touch it.  As I remove these beautiful old flowers, I find below them the bright green of the new leaves.  They are the fulfillment of the promise of new flowers.  Their roots run deep, and never die.  They return anew each year, but I must be willing to remove the old to make room for the new growth.

The new growth gets in the way of my raking under the holly bushes.  There are already so many new branches, bright green and full of hope.  They hide the "stuff" that has blown under them, but I want to clear it out to make the fertile soil more accessible.  I rake and struggle, and out comes a layer of old leaves.  I rake and battle the new branches out of the way, and my rake pulls out a load of leaves, baseballs, and old, dead iris stems. I had no idea a baseball was in there, and I had COMPLETELY forgotten that irises were back there.  Who knew?  As I clear the old debris, I can see the tender green shoots that are beginning to pop out of the soil, promising new flowers soon.

This reminds me SO MUCH of my need to really clean out the junk in my heart and in my life.  And once I clean it out, go back and rake up another batch until the stuff that's been concealed is revealed and removed, and only the fertile soil remains.

Soil contains the promise of growth and beauty.  So does my soul. Thank you for being close to both today!            

Love,

Me

 

Dag Nails It.

• Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. --Dag Hammarskjold

Sweet Jesus,

I HAVE found something to live for, and something great enough to die for.  I have found something worth spending my every waking moment on.  It is my life's work, and will be my greatest legacy when my time is through.  I strive to infuse it into my every action, thought and word. It's both the easiest thing I've ever done, and the most difficult.  It comes naturally, and sometimes must be learned, practiced and perfected.  

It's Love.  

I want to love and be loved by everyone I meet.  I want to show others that you love them, and that they are worthy of your love.  I think in this way, in the tiniest way, my younger self is healed.  Perhaps as I share this love with others, it will save someone from feeling how I felt.  It's not like I wasn't told, I just didn't feel valued.  Now I know, and I'll gladly spend my days sharing this information.  I pray that you'll make me a gifted teacher, and give me a lifetime full of students to teach about your love.  Help me find a million ways to show it.  Help me to reach those who struggle to learn, so that together, we can bring them to a knowledge and experience of you.    

Help me to love better.  Help my words to be true and honest.  When my words are unkind, let it be for the greater good, or keep them in my mouth.  Help me to read and remember the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "In the faith which is "God's marriage to the soul", you are one in God, and God is wholly in you, just as, for you, He is wholly in all you meet. "

Please help me to see your beautiful face in all that I meet.  Help me to love them as I love you, wholly.  

Love, 

Me

  

Major Disappointment

Dear Beloved Savior,

I am a disappointment to you at times, I know.  I'm sorry.  I know I don't hold up my end of the relationship.  You give and give to me, and I give a little and hold back the part I'm most afraid to share.  Within this hardened shell I've developed, I keep the soft, vulnerable part of me that is so badly damaged.  I hold back the part you want to hold the most.

 You said that now it's like we see through a glass darkly, but then we shall see face to face.  I'm afraid to see you face to face!  What if you see how ugly I am inside?  Will you love me back when I look into your eyes? Will you spit in my face?  You wouldn't be the first.  I love you the very best I know how, but I'm wounded, scarred and gun-shy. Sometimes I want to just throw myself headlong into your loving arms, and then I hear the ghosts of voices long ago telling me, "No court in the land would ever convict me of killing you, you are so ridiculous..." Will you see me as ridiculous?  Useless?  Worthless?  .  

I can't look right into your eyes, but you have seen inside me.  On those occasions when my shell was so broken there was nothing to keep you out.  It was then that you were able to hold the fragile, tender part of me and start to heal it with your loving touch.  It was at those times when I was too weak to hide that I've heard you speak healing words to my body and soul, and felt hope stirring. The woman at the well and the woman you didn't stone,..and then...me.  You saw in us something different.  Oh, PLEASE see in me something good, wonderfully and fearfully made! 

Please fill me with your love, and mold me into your image so I can be beautiful for you.

Love, 

Me         

Surrounded with Love!

Dear Sweet Lord,

Today was so very wonderful!  I just kept seeing you everywhere, and the ones you love with you!  I saw you in my family, and I saw them love you.  THEN I saw you in Mass.  Next, I listened to my students tell how their lives were impacted by others who lived lives of heroic virtue because of their love for you.  It was amazing.

Then we went to Ministry with Community and served dinner and played Bingo.  I love it there.  I love the people, and I love the community.  It's like our friend Treagie said, 'Girl, you KNOW you home!" It does feel like home, visiting my brothers and sisters and being with our people.  They really go out of their way to make sure everyone is loved and valued, and it's not a policy or a mandate.  It's just who they are.  I don't know what events came to pass that brought Treagie to Kalamazoo, but I thank God for him. We had wonderful conversation.

And then there's my dear friend Denita.  What an incredible beautiful lady.  She has the biggest heart of anyone I've met, and she puts that love into how she runs her kitchen.  She's got that kind of mother-heart that turns love into food, and won't allow anyone to go away hungry.  She advocates for the dignity of all people, supplying plates of food to those who were driven to search through the trash for food.

Dignity. Self-respect.  Love.  That's what they give, out of the depth of their hearts. We've all had those moments when each of these was in short supply, and it lands us in the mission, seeking help.  Today, I wasn't there to provide anything to anybody.  I needed a refill. Selfish, I know, but I needed to be cared for, and you did that!  You sent Denita to feed me, and Treagie and Jamar to talk with me and be glad I was there.  You sent Robert to look out for my safety, and Diane to look forward to playing Bingo with me.  I know there were some things I provided, but what I received was so much more.

That's just the way you are.  You bless me with beautiful people and experiences.  You bring me home everywhere I go!

Love,

Me

     

LOVE >

"Cast away from you all the crimes you have committed, says the LORD,
and make for yourselves a new heart and a new spirit." Ezekiel 18:31

Goddaughter, Granddaughter, and sister in Christ!

Sweet Lord, 

Help me to put away the crimes of my past.  A new heart and a new spirit is exactly what I long for.  Please help me by filling me with your love.  You are love incarnate. I heard a song today that carried with me all day.  It was called "Greater".  It made me think of all the things that your love is greater than.  It started to become a day-long litany.  It has been a wonderful way to worship you today.    If others think of things to add, I hope they will share them! Please find below my Litany of Love!  

Love, 

Me 

Litany of Love

Love > Everything

Love > Fear

Love > Death

Love > Sadness

Love > the Grave

Love > Sex

Love > Grief

Love > Guilt

Love > Pain

Love > Weakness

Love > Want

Love > Need

Love > Greed

Love > Power

Love > Money

Love > Things

Love > Feelings

Love > Memories

Love > Affection

Love > Emptiness

Love > Zeal

Love > Excitement

Love > Old Age

Love > Youth

Love > Loneliness

Love > War

Love > Peace

Love > Me

Love > Us

Love > Nature

Love > Time

Love > 

I Cry, Don't you?

Dear Sweet Lord,

Our celebration of your passion is about to begin.  Not only do we remember and celebrate the days that you went through the pain and betrayal and death, we put ourselves into those moments and strive to see them for ourselves from the inside.

It's incredibly overwhelming.  If this year is like every other, I will cry.  I cry thinking of the betrayal of all of us people who are supposed to love you best. How it must have broken your human heart, even as the God of you knew you loved us enough to do it all anyway.  You knew we are only human, and weak, and need our Savior. You even said "Forgive them, they know not what they do!"  You knew we were clueless.  But now we know a little, and the knowledge is crushing.

Of course I cry when I realize that I haven't loved you well enough.  Of course I cry when I look around the pre-crucifixion events and I know what happens to you. I see what's about to happen!  I know that they ripped some flesh right off your frame when they beat you.  I cry thinking of how you bled, and they put a robe on you to mock you.  I cry thinking of them mocking, and something deep inside me screams out, "STOP!! You don't understand!"  I cry thinking of how your bloody back must have connected with the fabric of that robe, and started to scab up, as your body fought to heal itself.  Then they tore it off.

Dear Lord.

Then they send you off with your own cross to carry.  It's not really YOUR cross, it's supposed to be mine.  I sinned, not you.  Me and all of my Christian friends earned that cross with our choices, not you.  But you carried it.  You carry me.  I'm not crying out of guilt.  I cry with the knowledge of exactly how much you love me.  You take my punishment.  You take my sorrow, and the buffets and spitting.

I cry thinking that someone could look into your beautiful face and spit.

I cry knowing that when I turn my back on you and choose something less, I do exactly that.  Then I cry tears of guilt and sorrow.

It's going to be an intense week.  I welcome the opportunity to cry all those cleansing tears, and to experience this next week with you.

Love,

Me  

Lonely?

My dear Savior,

I've been a little down today.  Even though I know you're always here, I'm a little lonely.  I feel alone in my thoughts.  Alone in my feelings.  My life is a busy place, and my dear friend nailed it when she observed,"we just don't spend enough time in the right now."  But I know you understand. You know all about the need to be alone, but were you lonely?

The bible is full of stories that include you going off to a deserted or solitary place to pray.  Were you lonely for your Father?  I mean, He was always there with you, but not like He is in Heaven.  Did you ever hope to find a friend that could stay with you and get you?  (I realize you had 12 of them that you hand-picked.) But did you seek a soul-friend that you can just look at, and you both know the inside joke. I feel really dumb for wondering, because the answer seems so obvious. But it's really not that clear to me, I guess.

On the one hand, No.  You don't need a soul-friend, because you are the Creator of all that has ever been created.  You invented friendship, and you ARE the love that makes friendship matter.  So, of course, you, being GOD, need nothing from me or any other puny human.

On the other hand, Yes.  You went into the desert and were tempted in every way a man can be tempted. Everything pleasure a man could enjoy enough to put before his love of God, you experienced in that desert. Food, football, sleep, work, a really comfy recliner, women, men, the New York Yankees, porn, power, tight abs, none of it mattered more to you than the work you came here to do.  And what was that work?

You came to be my soul-friend.

You came so I would see you being solitary, and fearful, just like me .  You showed me that it's okay to cry.  It's okay to be afraid of what comes next, but to trust that God's got it handled. You came to get me, because you GET me.  Every inside joke, YOU are inside.  In every lonely moment, you are right there sitting silently by, waiting for me to be finished with my solitary time, so we can be together again.  I am never really alone, although sometimes I feel the distance more than other times. But the truth is, you came here to Love me and all the others who had a Jesus-shaped hole in their hearts, and were lonely inside for you.

Like the little 6 year old girl in the lunch room today who told me that June 18th is her birthday, and she'll be 7, but YESTERDAY she accepted you as her Lord and Savior, so now she has TWO birthdays!  She glows with your love. Sometimes I forget to let my little light shine!
 
I'm so glad for these nightly letters.  They remind me to talk to you, and listen.  They help me to see you better. You unravel my thoughts and set them aright. They make me think of you so many times during the day, looking forward to sharing some morsel of my life with you.  

Funny, I don't feel so lonely any more.

Love,
Me  

Making music

Sweet Loving Lord,

Tonight we got to enjoy an amazing concert.  The combined high school bands of Camden Frontier, Springport, and Climax-Scotts played an amazing concert, and created some fantastic musical moments.

One piece was composed in memory and honor of those who were wounded and died in the Columbine High School shooting.  There were moments in the piece that you could feel the sadness of the entire community.  There was a moment when you could hear the lone trumpeter playing in the distance, like so many children speaking in one voice that it's okay to go on.  It's okay to live on and enjoy life and try to return to normal. There were moments when you could hear their Alma Mater ringing through. During other movements of the piece, I could almost picture the normal activities of high school kids cheering at a basketball game, or getting ready for a school dance. Living on.  

The idea of the piece is beautiful. The performance of it was fantastic.  It was so amazing to see my daughter and her friends so completely absorbed in the magic that happens when one is intimately part of music happening.

It makes me think of the amazing joy that occurs when we join our voices with all of Heaven and all of Creation in the Mass. Sometimes, just for a fleeting moment, I look around and feel the voices of all of Creation join with mine, and we worship together. The harmonies echo through my body. When that happens, we become more because we are together. In Love. With you.

In music, I find a lovely visit with you. I'm so thankful that my kids got to experience that visit with you also.

Love,

Me.
 

Killing

"For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ your life appears, then you too will appear with Him in glory."  Colossians 3:3-4

Dearest Lord,

What wonderful news!  I have died, and now await for you to appear, and me with you!  I always want to be with you.

First, there's a little more dying to be done.  Here's the part that comes next...

"...Put to death, then, the parts of you that are earthly: immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and the greed that is idolatry."  

Let the killing begin!  It would be so much easier to go "Old Testament" on it, and just sacrifice some turtle doves, or a goat or something.   It's way harder to kill the stuff inside.  The thoughts and desires that lead me to death have got to go.  It's literally me or them.

The hard part is that these things have become so ingrained that I have to look hard to see them.  That doesn't mean they aren't there. It means I have to give a good hard look at what's really inside.  I know how all of these vices kill me, but how do I kill them?

I will start by starving them to death.  I'll take away their power over me by keeping my eyes on YOU and neglecting them.  If I have passion, let it be towards you.  Let my desire be towards making you happy.  Let me be greedy only for more of you, and more Love.  Then there's more.

"But now you must put them all away: anger, fury, malice, slander and obscene language out of your mouths."

Lord, please help me to put all of these away.  I get angry.  I get furious. I say mean things and I get a potty mouth on occasion. Help me to not just put them away, but to REMOVE THEM.  If I put them away, I'll just get them back out again!

Help me to kill what tries to kill me. Help me to end what tries to end me.

Help me to die to my selfish ways so I can live lost in you forever in glory.

Love,

Me.

"I am Troubled Now..."

Beloved Lord, 

I read these words of yours, and they've stuck with me.  I can't count how many times I've been in a tight spot, and this should have been my exact prayer.  Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't, but the words give me hope and keep me safe in the knowledge that even though you are sinless, you understand me. Our Father is always glorified. 

“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”

Seven times I have found myself writhing in the pains of childbirth. This is the perfect prayer. Should I ask to be relieved of this pain that brings forth life?  It only makes the truth of who they are all the more real.  I believe our Father has been glorified by my children, who know and love him, and sing his praises.    

“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”

There have been days in my life so dark that I couldn't find a speck of life, or hope.  I could find no joy, or reason to keep looking. Depression is a horrible darkness that hides everything good and beautiful.  Not one bit of the beauty is gone, it just can't be perceived.  I stood at the precipice of nothing, and tried not to plunge headlong into the emptiness before me.   In hindsight, I can tell you that somewhere within, this prayer was prayed.  Or perhaps someone prayed it on my behalf, when I was only able to utter groans of deepest despair. 

“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”

When I was ashamed and embarrassed about the choices I had made in private that were no one else's business, this was the prayer.  Don't save me from my shame.  Teach me by it.  Be glorified in all things.  

“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”

When my time is over, and my heart is beating it's last beats, I hope I have the clarity to pray this prayer. I will be troubled at the separation from my family, hoping it will be short and temporary, but should I ask to be saved from the hour that I reunite with my heart's fullest, truest love? 

“I am troubled now. Yet what should I say?
‘Father, save me from this hour’?
But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour.
Father, glorify your name.”

 I pray that our Father will glorify his name, again and again, and again. Thank you for carrying me through the hardest hours.       

Love, 

Me



"all, from least to greatest, shall know me, says the LORD, 
for I will forgive their evildoing and remember their sin no more."

Old Dirty Stuff

Sweet Lord,

The snow is melting, and disappearing, and exposing everything old and worn out.  Beneath the drifts are the partly-rotted leaves of last fall.  The piles of dirt on top of the leaves are the debris left from a winter full of snow-plowed roads and cars driving by, redistributing the filth of our world.

Something old is showing itself, and it's not pretty.  In fact, it's a very visual reminder that the old "stuff" that brought us such joy when it was new, is no longer proper, or healthy or needed. It just doesn't work any more. The time for THOSE particular leaves is gone.  The time for hiding the dirt and debris of my life within a snowbank just doesn't work any more.  It's time to clean my yard.

It's also time to clean my life.  The cover of snow no longer shields my eyes from seeing what I left buried beneath it.  I am forced to look at what debris I've collected over the long cold months that have most recently passed.  It's time for me to do the spring cleaning of my soul, and just in time, because Easter is coming.  We will celebrate the return of you, our triumphant Savior and I want to do it with a clean heart.  

Thank you for the opportunity to meet you in the sacrament of Reconciliation.  I loved being with you (even for a quick few minutes) in the confessional, where we had the chance to get things out in the open, and make them right.  My sins have been forgiven, now I need to remove the debris of my choices, and make room for the new blessings you have prepared for us.

Please help me to be a diligent worker.  Help me to leave behind this lazy hibernation, and get to work preparing the way for you.

Lent is nearly over, the really hard part is about to begin.

Lord, please strengthen me.  Please allow my little bit of suffering to strengthen you, if that is possible.  Thank you for what we're about to remember and celebrate.

Love,

Me

Young Church

My sweet Lord,

Thank you for this day together with the young church! The Kalamazoo Diocesan Youth Rally was fantastic!  I was immersed in teens and their chaperones all day, and their energy was wonderful and refreshing. It renews my faith in what those who haven't lived as long as some of us can do when they pray together and play together.

SO many people are ready to call them "the future of the church", but aren't they members of your body right now?  Aren't there many MANY saints that never made it to adulthood, and were very holy and pious even in their young childhood?  These kids are very much like that.  They love you and truly enjoy spending time with you.

And then there are the others.

You know the ones I'm talking about.  Some are hurting and lost, broken and not ready to heal. Some are still living the hardest part of their journey.  This part that will make them cry when they remember back. I pray that they get a chance to look back and say, " that was the day it all changed for me." Or "That was the lowest point of my life, and then I met Jesus."

Lord, please watch over those children and young adults who are being tested and tried, and are fighting to survive the horrors of their own lives.  Fill them with your grace and love, or at least the hope to hang on until it's time for them to turn to you.  Help them find you before something more horrible happens.  Help them to feel how much you love them.

Help them to find hope in hearing the stories of others who have made it through the hard times.

Love,

Me

Sanctified, Saved, and Inebriated

Dearest Lord Jesus, 

You know who wrote this prayer, although officials and theologians aren't entirely certain.  St. Ignatius Loyola really loved it.  I'm with him.  He encouraged all of those who followed his exercises to pray it often.  I have to admit, I get carried away with the first three lines:

Soul of Christ, sanctify me Body of Christ, save me Blood of Christ, inebriate me 

As I read these lines, every cell of my being comes alive and begs for this blessing! Yes, sanctify me!  I am nothing on my own but dust.  PLEASE make me something more than the clay from which I was formed.  SAVE ME from myself and the foolishness of a mere mortal that doesn't have your mind to comprehend the depths of what I do.  INEBRIATE ME with the blood of your covenant.  Let me swim in the sheer joy of the Spirit of YOU in the Communion cup.  Let me feel light-headed and giddy--crazy in love--with you, in the ecstasy of our togetherness. 

Water from Christ's side, wash me Passion of Christ, strengthen me 

Yes, cleanse me, and strengthen me.  Just as you would a soldier, or a traveler who has become road-weary and tired from the journey.  With the water flowing from you, the fount of Life, remove the dirty debris of my travels and strengthen me, that I might walk by your side as a true companion, and comfort YOU in your hour of need.   

O good Jesus, hear me 
Within Thy wounds hide me 

Please hear me.  Tuck me into your wounds and carry me within yourself.    

Suffer me not to be separated from Thee 

Ever.  For even the slightest second.  

From the malicious enemy defend me 

For you know I love you and I am weak.  He is cunning and knows my weaknesses.  

In the hour of my death call me 
And bid me come unto Thee 

You know how I long to be with you again.  I long to be held in your eternal embrace, and enjoy the fellowship of all of your beloved children.

That I may praise Thee with Thy saints 
and with Thy angels 
Forever and ever 
Amen 

Amen and Amen.  I cannot think of a better way to spend eternity.  I pray, and beg for the blessings of this prayer.  I'll write it again, without my interruptions.  Lord, thank you for giving someone the courage to share these words.  Bless the brain that you gifted it to, bless the hands that wrote it down, and bless the lips of all who pray it with love and faith that you are the one who sustains us.  

Love, 

Me

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints 
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen 

What will I say?

Dear Lord,

On Saturday, I get to participate in the Diocesan Youth Rally for all the junior high and high school kids of the Diocese of Kalamazoo. It's gonna be great. We usually have great speakers, and good energy, and lots of old friends that I've met through the years that I see so seldom.

I'm excited to be among friends.  I'm excited to be among sisters and brothers in Christ.  I'm excited to get to present facets of our faith with the young church.

And NATURALLY, I'm a little nervous.

I know what I want them to come away with.  I know how I plan to get them there, but it really isn't about what I want or what I plan to do.  It's all about what YOU want to do, Lord.  Please lead me in the right direction.

Help me know what YOU want me to say.  In Luke 12:12, you said, "For the holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say.”   I'm counting on that.  I've also read up on our subject, but I'm only here to be YOUR mouthpiece, sharing YOUR thoughts and YOUR message.

Please soften their hearts so they won't see me as "some MOM trying to tell them how to live their lives."  Cover their eyes so they don't see me as a weirdo and see that I am still the awkward teenage version of myself inside, zits, braces, perm and all.  Please open their hearts so they won't see me at all, but only the YOU inside of me.  Please fill their hearts (and mine) with your love.  Help us SHARE you and become one in you.

Help us all fall gloriously in love with you for the first time, or again.

In fact, please don't wait until Saturday.  Allow us all to fall in love with you again right now.

(Smiling!) Just like that!

Love,

Me.

More Country Music? ARRRGGGG!

Dear Lord,

When Harriett and I tuned into her favorite radio station, an old country song came on.  This seemed out of place for an alternative rock station, and we both wondered aloud exactly what was going on. The song was too old to be new.  It was the original version, so it wasn't a remix, and it was, in Harriett's words, "too new to be 'folk'".  It was a bit of a puzzle, so we switched to a better option.

The next day, she broke the news.  Her beloved alternative station had been bought out by a...(wait for it)...COUNTRY STATION!!!  (Gasp!)  "Aww, MAN!" she complained.  "Like we don't have enough of those ALREADY!"  I had to agree.  We do have plenty of quality country stations in the area, if you like that sort of music.

There's a deeper reason for her disappointment, however, and I get it.  Who needs another country station, playing the same old melancholy songs?  Who needs a cookie cutter copy of the same thing that's already happening?  How many times can his wife leave him and his dog die, and his pick-up truck be used for carrying beer and girls in cut-offs? Same twang, same guitar, same sound.  Same same same.

She wanted artists to reach out and try something new and daring and exciting.  She wanted them to play the song how THEY feel it, not how it's been done before.  A musical adventure, if you will.  And now her station that played the artists that aren't afraid to push the definitions of musical genres, and defy classification will play more of the same country.  The originals have sold out to the same old voices.

I hope I'm NOT the same old voice that people want to NOT be.  I love you, Jesus. Lots of good ole boys do, too. I know my message is similar to what a lot of people have to say:  Be Kind, Love Each Other, Learn Something, God Loves You!  The list goes on and on. Behold, I see how you make all things new.          

You made me with my OWN twang, and my own patterns and rhythms.  You made each of us exactly how we are best. Original, No other quite like each of us.  We each have music inside us that's made to celebrate who YOU are, and how we love you.  I could LITERALLY sing of your love FOREVER!  (Which is also a song title),  Still, we sometimes become like the 5th newest country station.  We say the same things in the same way as someone else has over and over.  We forget to be honest and true to you, our maker.

Please help Harriett find her own song.  Help all of my kids see the immeasurable treasure of being true to the one who created them.

Love,

Me

I Know You Are Near

My Dear, Sweet Lord, 

This song fits exactly where my heart is tonight.  I keep thinking of all the times and moments you have found me, and saved me.  It is a beautiful love song.

Yahweh, I know you are near,
standing always at my side. 

Always.  Every moment.  In the darkest times of my life. Every time I've needed you the most.  

You guard me from the foe,
and you lead me in ways everlasting. 

You lead me always back to the Heavenly Father.  

Lord, you have searched my heart, 
and you know when I sit and when I stand. 
Your hand is upon me protecting me from death, 
keeping me from harm.

You have searched my heart and held it in your hand.  Your hands held me when death overtook me.  You embraced me, and loved me.  You hugged me, kissed me, and sent me back to my family.  You knew they needed me here more.  As much as I long to be with you more completely, you must want me here.  

Where can I run from Your love? 
If I climb to the heavens You are there; 
If I fly to the sunrise or sail beyond the sea, 
still I'd find You there.

There was a time when I ran from you.  I didn't understand that you wanted to love me.  I thought you wanted to tell me what to do, or perhaps punish me, or force me to be someone I am not.  I had no idea how well you knew me, and wanted my happiness, and to live our life together forever.    

You know my heart and its ways, 
you who formed me before I was born 
in the secret of darkness before I saw the sun 
in my mother's womb.

YOU know my heart.  You know why it does the odd things it does.  You know my fear of being weak and unable.  You know the awkward, rushing feeling like anxiety that happens when my pulse gets sketchy and the blood moves the adrenaline through my body too fast.  You know all of my failures and all of my illnesses.  You also know the many MANY ways you've healed me.  You've taken my broken heart, soul and mind and healed them.  Over and over.  You fix me again and again.

Marvelous to me are Your works; 
how profound are Your thoughts, my Lord. 
Even if I could count them, they number as the stars, 
You would still be there.

This astounds me.  With all your works and thoughts, and with all your blessings and all those you have to care about, how do I even rate a single glance?  There are so many that you love, and still you take the time to be with me!  You love ME.  You love me.  And I know you will always be there.  Standing always at my side!  You guard me from the foe, and you lead me in ways everlasting!  

Love, 

Me

Beware Fake Martyrdom!

Dear Sweet Lord,

There are many who have given their lives and shed their blood out of love for you.  They KNEW what following you would cost, and they couldn't turn away from you.  Where else would they go?  YOU are the way and the truth and the life! So many brothers and sisters have given their lives because they believe in you.  Even unto death.  Real death with a real sword or a real gun.  Real people died by being set on fire.   They wouldn't deny you, and there was a real price.  Real.

There is a danger that I struggle with, and I know I am not alone. It's easy to get tricked into thinking we're martyrs just for doing the normal stuff we do.

Poor me, I made dinner.  Poor me, I have to wash the dishes. What a sacrifice I am making to vacuum the floor.  Boo Hoo Hoo!  I give and I give and I give some more.  BUNK! BALONEY! Stop it right NOW!

It is my privilege, my right, and my opportunity for grace and growth to care for my family. It is my calling to make a home for my children and my spouse. It is my blessing to get to share my faith to the students at St. Martin's.  It makes me feel happy and satisfied, needed and loved to teach small children how to read and make good choices at school.  No one owes me that, and when I do what is expected of me, that is its own reward.

Anything else is a devil's trick.

At the institution of the Eucharist, Jesus says, "this is my body which will be given up for you".  He also says, "do this in memory of me."  So I am called to give my body in memory of Christ giving his.  He held nothing back.  I get so lazy. He carried the cross to his own crucifixion.  I carry food to the table.  He gave his body and blood, every drop. I've given my body to carry my children, but it's not the same.

When my day comes, and my life is required of me, I pray that I have nothing left but my desire to be with you, Christ.  I pray that I have spent every cell of my being, every muscle, every heartbeat in true service to you, my beloved. I hope that my fingers are gnarled from spending so many hours helping others.  I hope my knees are shot from praying on them.  I pray my mind is left with nothing but your word, and memories of all the loved ones I've been blessed to know.  I pray that you would shield me from this fake martyr attitude when I'm really just tired or lazy.  I pray that if I am to undergo the test of true martyrdom, I will have YOUR strength to choose YOU.  Every time.

 Eternally.        

Love,

Me

Eating Boogers (disclaimer: rather gross)

Dear Lord,

You know there's a little guy in our class who has the terrible habit of picking his nose.  You also know that it's much more than just "picking", he's a bit of a "self-serve snack factory".  The child LOVES to eat his boogers.

We've had a number of conversations about this activity. When he was asked why he does it, he responded, "It tastes yummy!" (Ick.) I asked about his other bodily functions, and asked him, "surely you wouldn't put any of them in your mouth, and he replied, "Of course not!" When I asked him what the difference was, he really grossed me out, "because I tried them and they were yucky."

EEEEWWWWWWW.  Major League YUCK!  I am completely disgusted by the indulgence in what is truly a waste product.

Which made me think of you.

You must sometimes look at me like my little booger-eater.  I love and care about that little guy, and I am also boggled by his choices.  Just as you must be boggled by some of mine.

Don't get me wrong, I do NOT eat the contents of my nose. However, I have been known to indulge in wasteful behavior.  I have spent considerable time and energy in the useless pursuit of that which I find "yummy", which when viewed by older and more sensible people is not only waste, but also dirty, unhealthy, and really, gross. I have been distracted by the things that come from myself.  My own thought and fears, hopes, and anxiety.    

I have tried a good deal of things that are terrible choices, and found them "yucky".  My choices are really not that different than my dear little nose-miner.

I also know that, out of love for me, you will continue to correct me and teach me, and smack my hand if necessary (which I would NEVER do to a school kid).  I know that you will continue to show me patience and learning and love, which is also my plan with my little friend.

I know that you will encourage me to fill myself with TRUE food that will nourish me and strengthen me. You will show me the wide variety of fruits and vegetables, meats and nuts and tasty things that are all good options for my body, and how much more yummy healthy food can be.

You continue to show me that if I focus on what comes from me, I miss out on a whole wonderful world of possibilities. Holding on to my own fears and anxieties robs me of the time I could be using to look around at the rest of the world, and see all that others have to offer.  

Please help me look beyond the end of my own nose for the yummy things that truly make me strong and whole.

Love,

Me  

Sweet Redeemer (by Steve Angrisano)

Dear Beloved Lord,

I can't write a better love letter than this one right here.  Thank you so much for Steve Angrisano, his mission and his words.  Thank you for his voice and his thoughts.  Thank you for giving your people such a wealth of talents, and a voice for expressing their love of you.

Lord, I know you wrote this song within Steve's heart.  Please hear the words as coming from my voice and my heart.  I sing this song of love to you, my sweet redeemer.


Love,

Me.

Just 2 Rules....

One of the scribes came to Jesus and asked him,

“Which is the first of all the commandments?”
Jesus replied, “The first is this:
Hear, O Israel!
The Lord our God is Lord alone!
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,
with all your soul,
with all your mind,
and with all your strength.
The second is this:
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
There is no other commandment greater than these.”(Mk 12:28-34)

Dear Lord,

You are truly Lord alone, and the more I try to know you, the more I realize I don't know you nearly well enough.  It doesn't mean I don't love you, I totally do. The more I focus on the One True God, the more I notice the unimportance of all the things that compete for that position in my life.  TV shows, unimportant information, fear, food, my own satisfaction, and comfort all compete to be little gods of my life, pushing their way to the forefront, trying to take over.  They suck my time away from what's really important. They numb me, and lull me away from anything of any importance.  For this I am sorry, and I ask your help.   

I want to love you with all of my Heart, but the truth is, I have much better organs!  My spleen is pristine!  My lungs are pretty functional, but my heart has seen better days.  It's been beaten up and broken.  It's been stomped on and kicked around, and it's been very cranky today.  It's been beating to some messed up rhythms, and I want to give my best to you, Lord!  I'll keep giving you my whole heart, but please be gentle with me.  I know there is no one else I can trust more than the one who created me, arrhythmia and all, and I believe that you allow this disruption because it is an opportunity for grace and growth.  

My soul is yours.  Eternally.  No question.  I give it gladly, only to you.  

My mind is abuzz with thoughts and distraction and ideas and doubts and fears and funny stories, and grand schemes.  Many of them are good things, meant to further your Kingdom and share your love.  So much of it is just noise.  Please help me tell the difference.

My strength feels like it's failing.  If I only have so much strength, please let me know how to spend it.  If it does fail, please fill me with YOUR strength, so I can do your will.         

One great way to spend that strength is loving my neighbor.  Help me to love my neighbor and help them to seek you and find the Love I have found in you.  Help me to treat them with kindness and love and forgiveness.  Show me ways to share with others all the good things I wish could happen for myself and my family.  Please take me out of my own way, so you can be Lord of my whole life.

Lord, please help me to follow all of your commandments.  Both of them.

Love,

Me.

Intimacy

Dearest Lord,

I look forward to intimate moments with you.

I look forward to the times we are so close that we have become one.  Intertwined and combined.  One flesh.  We share all that is right and good and beautiful. You are ALWAYS right and good and beautiful, and when we are together, I feel that way, too.

I ache for those moments, once a week or more, when I accept your body into mine. I prepare myself, by cleansing my soul, and I read your words to hear the message of love you have for me.  They are your love letters, your instructions, and your very self.  Those words enter my ears, surround my brain, and affect every thought I have thereafter.  They change my actions, and prepare me to love you better.  They prepare me to love you fuller.

I sing to you.  I read the poetry of love to you from your psalms.  I offer your peace and love to all of those around me who are also awaiting you, and they offer it to me in return.  The bell rings as the bread becomes your body, and the wine your blood.  Then the moment arrives that I have longed for.

"The Body of Christ" is the truth of what the minister holds up to me, and places on my tongue. Your body.  I gladly accept your body inside of mine.  I am overwhelmed by the floral scent that washes over my mouth and nose.  The smell of you on a hillside of flowers washes through my mind, as we come together in perfect Communion.

Perfect union.  Perfect intimacy. Perfect Love. I want to stay there forever.  

Perfect you.

Love,

 Me

23rd Letter

Dear Lord, 

Some days I don't even know what to say.  What with this being our 23rd love letter, I almost wonder if I'll run out of things to say.  I think we've covered the fact that I love you, and you love me.  You wrote me a most wonderful love letter, so maybe I'll just take a page from YOUR book!  

One of the most beautiful sections of this love letter (called the Bible) is the 23rd psalm. You may know it:

A psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd;*

there is nothing I lack.a

2In green pastures he makes me lie down;

to still waters he leads me;

3he restores my soul.

He guides me along right paths*

for the sake of his name.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,c

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff comfort me.

*You set a table before me

in front of my enemies;*

You anoint my head with oil;*

my cup overflows.

Indeed, goodness and mercy* will pursue me

all the days of my life;

I will dwell in the house of the LORD

for endless days.

Nothing could be better that that!  

Love, 

Me

Veni Sancte Spiritus (Come Holy Spirit)

Blessed Holy Spirit,

You are the breath that makes me real.

You are the wind of creation that blew over the waters at the Dawn of Creation, turning nothing into something.  You are the force that caused the "Big Bang" for those who need an explanation. You are the silent stirring in my heart that makes me long for togetherness with the Father and Son.

You are the power of the Most High that overshadowed Mary and perfected her womanhood, endowing her virgin womb with the Savior of the World.  You are the Spirit that filled her relative Elizabeth, causing her to cry out, and the baby within her to leap with joy at the realization that the Lord was in fact, present with them!

You are the hope that every mother feels when she discovers that there is a child growing within her.  You are the love that turns a girl into a mother, and a boy into a father.  You take those two people and make them into something more complete.  A family.  A lineage.

You are the love that creates, and perfects, and beautifies every living thing.  You painted the sunsets and the flowers of the field just to bring joy to all Creation.  You make joy complete, and grief temporary.

You are that life-giving substance that fills every crack of my imperfect life, and changes my poor choices into reason for rejoicing.  You take what Christ has sacrificed for, and the Father has forgiven, and turn it from a reason for damnation, to an opportunity for salvation.  You buoy me up in my pain, and you release me from my guilt, so I may rejoice and praise and LOVE with wild abandon.  Oh, that I had no responsibilities other than to always sing your praise!

May the work of my hands praise you.  May the words of my lips ever praise you.  May my every thought and action bring glory to your name, Spirit of God.  You flow through the world amplifying the love of every single being.  You link past and present, that we never forget those who have gone before us, or forget to dream of those who are to come.  You are the Spirit that unites us, and whirls about us.  In us and through us and with us.  In all we do and every place we go.

You are the Spirit that raises the lowly, confuses the learned and shines so brightly on the simple.  You love us so vastly, that scholars have spent entire lifetimes studying and discovering the depths of you.  Yet, your love is so simple, it just...is.

Thank you for the beauty and art and music you surround me with. Thank you for the simplicity of a child's hug, and a teen's smile.  Thank you for the incredible creations you allowed me to carry within my body, gave birth to, and have the pleasure to observe them growing into adults who love you, too.

Holy Spirit, please continue to blow your warmth and creativity in the lives of my friends, especially those most in need of comfort, and re-creation. Fill our hearts with your special variety of love, so that in every moment, we praise you.

Love,

Me    

My Seven Deadly Sins

Hello Lord,

Today I was trying to do my job with more love than usual.  I tried to look for the good things, and see the kindnesses, and to infuse all I did with your love.

I failed a little.

I mean, being kind to the kids is easy.  I was collecting hugs and smiles everywhere.  It's not even a challenge to show the school kids that they are worth my time, and valuable.  It just seems so natural. Perhaps I even take PRIDE in my work with the kids.  It's the really bad habits I have that are so ingrained that I did battle with today.  Truly sinful behaviors, like SLOTH, and, well... SLOTH. I'm still recovering from the retreat weekend (which was marvelous) and I just wanted to nap on the couch.

So I was ENVIOUS of the people on couches today!  And GLUTTONY has been a problem all day.  I discovered that you CAN make chocolate pudding with almond milk (the cooked kind of pudding that forms the skin on top, which is the epitome of delicious!) So, to celebrate this discovery, I ate the whole bowl.  Sheesh!  I'm so glad I didn't make cookies, or I'd have eaten them too!  I wouldn't have shared a single one, as I would have devoured them with AVARICE (greed). Anyone who touched my cookies would incur my WRATH!!! I won't even discuss the LUST in my heart regarding these cookies that now haunt my thoughts.

So here I am, trying to do better by doing all that I do with extra love, and I discover a problem with my plan.  I am ignorant.  I try to do better, when I don't really understand what it is I'm doing poorly to begin with.  Take the 7 Deadly Sins, for example. I just mentioned all 7 of them, with an example of what they are not.  To see what they REALLY are, follow the link below:

http://catholicexchange.com/seven-capital-sins

You may notice the words "inordinate" or "culpable" and "undue".  I don't think eating the pudding was a great idea, but I also didn't eat it as my children sat by and starved.  Lust has nothing to do with cookies.  Wrath is not the right word for asking someone to leave my cookies in the cookie jar.  It may just be "mildly crabby" on my part.

So, maybe tomorrow I try again.  I'll try sharing your love, and being aware of these 7 Deadly Sins, I will practice their opposites.  I will exchange chastity for lust, generosity for greed, temperance for gluttony, brotherly love for envy, meekness for anger, humility for pride, and diligence for sloth.

Please help me to be a virtuous woman, pleasing to you.

Love,
Me

Love and Fear

Dear Lord,

Over the weekend, I was given the task of contemplating one of the gifts of your Holy Spirit, and determining if it is a gift I already possess, or one I nee work on, or how it fits into my life.  The gift I received was "Fear of the Lord".  Yikes.

Fear?  FEAR!  How shall I fear you?  All I wish to do is to cuddle close and rest my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat, moving the blood around your body.  That blood that will redeem the world.  I long to sit at your feet and listen to your words.  I long to enjoy your company, feeling the warmth of your loving gaze.  How can I fear you?

What I fear is the LACK of you.  I fear the emptiness and longing of not knowing your whole complete love.  I fear you discovering that I am not who you thought I was, and leaving me.  I fear disappointing you.  I fear not being loved by you.  I fear spending eternity without you, which would be HELL.

These fears and insecurities must be kept in check.  If I'm to trust in your love, and have every faith and confidence in your mercy, I can't live in fear of you leaving me.  I can RESPECT you, and I can fear disappointing you, but I can't just cower.  I need to do all I can to NOT disappoint you.  Instead of fearing you believing me to be a rotten person, I must be kind, loving, and show mercy to all of your people.  I must fear disappointment enough to avoid it.

Lord, thank you for helping me to contemplate this fear.  Help me to have a healthy and proper "Fear of the Lord".

Thank you for loving me,

Love,

Me